I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
