Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She told me I should be a condom model.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
