dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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