I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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