i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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