They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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