i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
