Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
