tell your sister to shave her snatch
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
