Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
