Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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