i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
