i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
