I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
