I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
