She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't deserve a penis
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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