don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
