She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
