Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
