My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
