I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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