mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
