Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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