Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
