Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
