im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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