Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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