happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
