I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
