wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
