This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
