She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
