i don't like sucking hair
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
