so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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