my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
