Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We're too hungover to prance.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
