he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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