im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
