i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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