Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
