: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cannot find my penis.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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