remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
