There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
