He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
