On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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