you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
