So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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