Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
