My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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