The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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