just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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