I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
